Shelter From The Storm

Can't find the exact version I want post here, but thank you, Marcus. Here's the song back at you.

"The half-life of love is forever." - Front back cover of a book while in line that "intuition" told me to flip over, and read the last line.. Apologies to the author - don't even remember the name of the book.

“Love opens the doors into everything, as far as I can see, including and perhaps most of all, the door into one's own secret, and often terrible and frightening, real self.”
― May Sarton, Mrs. Stevens Hears the Mermaids Singing

Expansion

There is always a choice; the only part you have to decide on is living with the consequences. - Ritu Ghatourey

Well, I decided that I can live with anxiety LOL. My glasses broke, and I lost something super important, and here I still am. Perhaps, I am learning about letting go, or planning ahead or being more careful or. . .  relaxing. . . going with the flow. Nope. Still a Realist. What is, is. Right now, what is, is anxiety about the future here in the present. Now that doesn't even sound right.

I think I should just go listen to Let It Be.

And I should have done that because the next really didn't help.

"A warrior of the light...never confuses tension with anxiety."

Paulo Coelho

 

Better

 

"The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety." Erich Fromm

 

and so shall I cling to the past

grab every last second of  nothing

or sleep on a golden cloud

Oh Yes, or Oh No?

Here's an interesting thought as my anxiety is building momentum after notification that remodeling at my apartment complex is engendering a move that I hadn't planned.

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

life shifts to quickly
earth turns to sand
sand blows softly away
what is left -truth

At the moment, I have only knowledge of where I won't live. The ideas about where I will live are about as solid as unsettled jello.

It is an opportunity to release, have faith, trust, etc. I have lived this long - likely I will survive a move of household, right? World not coming to the end that I know of. Simply change, when I chose to be an apartment dweller, I had to know its impermanence.  Yet, I am still shaken by the idea of losing my home. I haven't fairly and deeply embraced as home, but it has been that. I am ever so grateful to have one. So grateful to have a bed, a door that locks, and at least temporarily a private space to walk around in. So what's home anyway?

Back to feeling unsettled, feeling the lack of  family. The thought that no one is obligated by blood or societal convention to take me in or look after me. Yeah, not what I really want anyway. But I miss having the option. Basically, I am scared. I may or may not get over that part. And I know where I won't be living.

“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self.... And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

And I am entirely capable of throwing stuff in boxes.  So I shall start with what I can do.

Assumptions and Fun with The Universe

Assumptions and Fun with The Universe

Well (I seemed to like this word a lot, I do), following intuition I stopped to pick up a bit of food from a store wouldn't normally stop at.

The cashier wished the customer (a gentleman who on the surface to be the same area and general cultural background as myself) Happy Holidays.

I just had to stop myself from chuckling out loud as the man asked in a very neutral, "And what holidays are you referring to?" (YES - ok no ill will intended towards the sweet clerk, but YES).
Aye, the Universe is playing with me.

Next a pull to stop at the "Lotto" machine - stop here - now - buy that one.

Honestly, I don't entirely remember if I wrote here about the spirituality class I went to on Halloween taught by Raven Many Voices. Wonderful informational class, a surprise at the end to me was the offer to bring through messages from spirit, deceased loved ones.

So my turn in part included a message from my mother and my brother. Wait, didn't mention I had a brother, well. I found out in my late teens my mother had a miscarriage. This would be the second time that someone mentioned my brother was sticking around to help me (apparently name designated as Randall). The story is we were intended to grow up together, he had every intention of being born, and it just didn't happen. Another one of my odd stories, indeed. Funny because growing up, I did wonder there my brother was.

So, third part to the message, Raven described a woman who was saying she was my aunt. Sounded to me like my Aunt Ona, my father's sister. Her message to me "When I tell you to play the Lotto, play it."

Hey, I always liked Aunt Ona though I didn't know her well, spent scant time with her. Way cool, she wants to help me win the Lotto, way, way, cool. And cool even that she wanted to talk to me.

So back to the Lotto machine. The ticket I was clearly directed to buy cost $3.00, three whole dollars, hmmm. (I can hear a friend's voice when I told her about getting this message - but, Lynn, you don't play the Lotto, right? - right, rarely, and for $1 when I do). Intuitive collides with Realist over spending $3 on Lotto ticket with no guarantee.

Ok, this a dang clear message about which ticket to buy. There may as well be flashing lights coming from the card itself. I have the cash. Ok, done.

 Now, what the heck kind of scratch game is this. Oh, no - a crossword puzzle ok. So, this won't be quick (just dawned on me now I was getting my money's worth in extra entertainment.0

So I dutifully took my 18 letters, scratched my way through - the word - the only word my letters completed - NIECE. 

My heart felt tA warm fullness, a tear welled up - how awesome, aw, how very, very awesome, how sweet. How very sweet. How very amazing. How did she do that?????

Then, the wonderful mind chimed, "But, it wasn't a winner. You didn't win any money.' Oh, I didn't win any money. Sigh.

The second light bulb went off in a big way. I just burst out laughing ever so loudly. Got it.

My assumption, and her actual message were at odds. I realized the message had nary a word about winning or money. The message was a much more simple one. "When I tell you to play the Lotto, play it."

Hi Aunt Ona. Thank you. I love you too!!!

Now, don't you think that I am hoping this was just a dry run to see if I was paying attention??? Absolutely. OH, YES, YES, YES. Absolutely!!!!

Do you really think what you physically see is all there is? Come on, Realistically?

One of My All Time Favorite Poems by Portia Nelson

Time for one of my all time favorite quotes, since I seem to fall in the same hole every year go figure. I just had a wonderful discussion from a very sweet Christian friend who found my disquiet on the birthday aspect perfectly acceptable. "Shepherds were out and all, likely so" She herself not placed with the placement of Easter. A refreshing conservation. And my quote/poem:


“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”
― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Perhaps I Will Try Harder

Accelerating in park
Need to shift to neutral
Sigh, what a waste of energy


With an astrologer for a father, I have probably consciously known that the birthdate for Jesus couldn't possibly have been December since I was 5 years old.

I pretty much have always thought it was rude to celebrate someone's birthday on a day not even close to when they were born. Just rude.

So today, I was behind a bus with a huge sign that said "Jesus is ____________.

Ok, so my first and enduring thought on what to put in the blank is probably smarter than me.

And if I were to look at realistically, Jesus would probably be a good deal more good humored about his birthday being celebrated in a different season and a different. Probably just let it roll off his back so to speak.

Ok, so what gives me to the right to be upset about it. I don't know. I might have to let that piece go. Might.

I still detest the fact that people presume we all celebrate Christmas. Isn't detest a strong word. Oh, yes, definitely. This just strikes a big emotional chord in my entire being. I am not sure how to stop.

In my mind, I sit my friend, sobbing at her kitchen table with a broken heart over kids being forced to participate in Christmas against their will. Yes, truly, they were just small children they were not given any option to be different or abstain without penalty. I remember not knowing how to help or what to say or how to explain it.

At young age, I remember one of my cousin-in-laws begging my grandmother (who was living on a pension) for money to feed her children after Christmas because they spent on all their food on stuff. Now  no money for food.

Suppose decades later, I should know that not everyone spends to excess. Yet, my mind sways right back to all the deaths that occur in accidents over the holidays, above the normal amount.

Is anyone of this a reason for me to be unkind. Not all. I just still have not learned to balance what I see and feel with my internal barometers. All I want is for it to be over. So how can support friends that love, enjoy, treasure and live for this time of year. I can't. Sadly, I still have a hard still supporting my own self. Not making me happy. The word bigot comes to mind. Nasty word, but probably true for me this time of year. I shift out of it for awhile, but 15 Merry Christmases later I feel raw and angry again. And Happy Holidays, not really better if you don't celebrate any holidays this time of year.  I can mentally appreciate that most people have the best of intentions for it all.
But emotional it is a mine field.

I have yet to find the maturity and balance that will allow me to just enjoy the fact others are enjoying themselves.

from quotations at about.com

George Bernard Shaw Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.

Sophocles
Much wisdom often goes with fewer words.