Trust

"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing
There is a field.
I’ll meet you there.” - Rumi

I am getting ready for Winter Feast for the Soul "Starting on January 15, 2014 people around the world will join their intentions for personal and planetary peace." "The Winter Feast for the Soul event takes place every January 15th - February 23rd, and unites people in their commitment to a 40 day practice of stillness." It is for people of all faiths the practice, prayers, way you participate is your own.

I am excited because this will be the first time I will be participating in the Open Ceremony which is tomorrow night. And it is the first time, after decades, that I already am meditating daily.

I went to download their free ebook which I have yet to read after several years of participating. I was again excited to find one of my very favorite quotes for many years, the one above by Rumi. Chuckling about how long I have loved this quote, shows me how long I have been struggling with trying to be open-hearted, loving, being for instead of against.

Philosophically, been there for a long, long time. Mentally, emotionally - still a daily, sometimes minute to challenge - Dang people not living my beliefs or behaving according to my standards of the moment or the standards of some book. Which brings me to the memory of teaching one of my healing classes with a training manual I wrote myself.
I received some new information that I had not had time to rewrite for for my manual. When I presented the updated teaching, I had one student who just kept repeating but the manual says. I am still not sure it ever translated in her brain, that I the actual author of those words, that I made a correction myself to my own words. That was a very strange yet telling experience. It still amazes me, she was determined to cling to what was written down. Now, I might just say Wow.

Being open, letting go, being willing to change, having faith, knowing I don't know - still growing and learning how to trust.

I am remembering another quote I loved, resonated deeply, in a book by Lynn Andrews. I don't have it exact, but this is close "Above the path of good and evil lies the truth."

In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel

“Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"
Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder

For

Today, I am wishing that I learn more deeply to be for what feels right in my heart, mind, body, soul, and learn more deeply to release the need to be against. Period.

 Against seems to come when we experience something we designate as not me or mine - such beauty in differences yet so often we take a step back from difference instead of leaving our hearts open, open to love, learn, share. Being one small human how can I possibly know someone else is wrong in what they are thinking or doing? Truly, where do I think I would get this superpower of knowing all and everything, and thinking I would know better about someone or something else. I will admit to arrogance, not too often, but once in awhile, oh and the need to be right - yep forgetting I am trying to what someone or something else wrong. . . and I probably won't extract myself of this pattern of omniscient delusion anytime soon . . . but maybe once in awhile I might step back, breathe and have a clue that someone might know more about living their own life than I do ( LOL - I could only write might - hey delusions are what they are)

I like the idea of being for something instead of against . . .

“Life is a book and there are a thousand pages I have not yet read.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

Unclear

I am feeling like have one foot in this song. In my mind, on a scale of 1-10, seems like moving out to be around a 2-3. Right now, it feels like an 11-12. So there is the breadth of my discomfort, and the discrepancy between my logical mind and my emotions. Quite a gap. Surely, I must have a nomad lifetime before, there should be strengths to draw on. People move everyday, through the world on wheels, on feet, by air, land, water. Movement is the life. Breath, blood, even marrow through bones. Even ice crystals forming. Atoms, energy all. Being frozen in place would not be productive.

All of sudden I think of someone I dated who said I sounded like Mr. Data. Well, ok, sometimes. Unfortunately, that piece doesn't rule my nervous system - not sure whether that is good or bad. Neither, I guess.

The Gregorian year 2014 had a very sweet, beautiful beginning. Two women who usually work during the day stayed over to do work on New Year's Eve. They went out of their to include me in their enjoyment in brining in the New year. They set up Martinelli's sparking cider, salami and cheese plate, already so I could just step away from my job temporarily and into the New Year. Such kindness. Equally, a co-worker covered my duties as I shifted my break to join them. They chose the room with view of the fireworks. However the smoke or fog was obscuring all but the very tip of the fireworks. Oh,well.

Then all of sudden someone right below our window set off fireworks that ended up right at the level of our window. We had a magnificent, close-up show.

Best 15 minute New Year's party I have ever tended. Seems so auspicious.

Normally, I work New Year's Day, but this year I requested the day off. That allowed to me accept an invitation to see a friends new home. Beautiful neighborhood. With two other friends, I was treated to a home cooked breakfast the first day of the year. How did I get so lucky? She has a wonderful new home. It was fun to be a guest. And there was even a place nearby to take a walk, a public stormwater retention facility. So I got to continue my journey one day into the New Year.
Moving seems just a hair beyond me, which is likely the point, stretching. I got to play a lot last year all year. And now, it seems I must be serious for at least a little while. So uncomfortable. Unpredictable except for the ending, and the ending is murky, pre-determined but murky to me.

“There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.”   ― Terry Pratchett

Blue Heron -- Sanctus from "Missa Inclina cor meum" by Nicholas Ludford (c.1490 - 1557)

not my typical listening fare, beautiful gentle choral music

 

 

A bit of a stressful day, towards the end I switched a channel on my mp3 player, and enjoyed this piece, along with Mozart and some other rich classical music. 

Little Rocky

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
― Ann Landers

Struggling with finding a new apartment, and other news today = desk sharing was coming up in the office again - the Universe is determined to pry me lose of any space I want to call mine even temporarily.... what's that you say Universe I need more practice in letting go. Sigh,

We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better.”
― C. JoyBell C.

650 - Green Plate Special Rain Garden - Central District
649 - Denny Blaine Lake Park

Done - I don't ever remember making a New Years Resolution before, doubtful I ever will again. I am utterly amazed myself that I actually managed to visit a different park/garden/trail, etc. everyday. I started the commitment on Jan 1. But in finishing up a more random goal last year, I have actually visiting a different place(s) everyday since December 23 of last year.

My random goal last year was to visit 200 hundred parks/trails, etc. Truly doubted I would do that. See I really like naps,. a lot, and TV. Though this year TV was designated as days off only activity. I managed to keep that except 3-4 times for the year since I started.

I thought when I tore a ligament in my knee, and was using a cane, likely I wouldn't be going on many walks or hike for the rest of my life. There were times I was just extremely grateful to make it from one side of the room to the other. The thought of not walking on the beach ever again made me feel so sad.

Well, still arthritic, and still a little slow lots of days, but I managed 3 miles one day, and a mile or two multiple times. And there are a few longer hike I would like to take sometime. Just have to see.

So 850 places the past two years, I did not count any revisits to places I went last years, and there are still lots of places to see. Many, many, many. That's just in my teeny, tiny bit of the huge Universes.

I am definitely proud of myself as well as amazed. Nope, to the question do I have anything planned for this new year outside of moving stuff from my apartment.  The rest will just have to unfold as all good Divine plans do, I hope not to interfere too much with all the good and abundance that is graciously being handed to me everyday.

35 books left me, donated to two different places. One shelf worth of kitchen items minus one kept made their way to Goodwill today. A little releasing to assist the flow.

Calendars

Oh, bless you sister Wiki just the list I wanted

2014 in other calendars

Gregorian calendar 2014
MMXIV
Ab urbe condita 2767
Armenian calendar 1463
ԹՎ ՌՆԿԳ
Assyrian calendar 6764
Bahá'í calendar 170–171
Bengali calendar 1421
Berber calendar 2964
British Regnal year 62 Eliz. 2 – 63 Eliz. 2
Buddhist calendar 2558
Burmese calendar 1376
Byzantine calendar 7522–7523
Chinese calendar 癸巳年 (Water Snake)
4710 or 4650
— to —
甲午年 (Wood Horse)
4711 or 4651
Coptic calendar 1730–1731
Ethiopian calendar 2006–2007
Hebrew calendar 5774–5775
Hindu calendars
- Vikram Samvat 2070–2071
- Shaka Samvat 1936–1937
- Kali Yuga 5115–5116
Holocene calendar 12014
Igbo calendar 1014–1015
Iranian calendar 1392–1393
Islamic calendar 1435–1436
Japanese calendar Heisei 26
(平成２６年)
Juche calendar 103
Julian calendar Gregorian minus 13 days
Korean calendar 4347
Minguo calendar ROC 103
民國103年
Thai solar calendar 2557
Unix time 1388534400–1420070399

Lokah Samasta

A beautiful rendition of a mantra/prayer I recite daily - rough translation - may all the beings in all the worlds beings in all the worlds be happy -  I remember one year Ammachi asked could we at least do this one thing everyday.

Moving

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ― Kahlil Gibran

To the above quote, well, yeah. Of course.

“Your path might be a lonely one... but, you are NOT alone!” ― Martin R. Lemieux

I am surrounded by an incredible amount of kindness, emotional, and spiritual support. And still being, me I am feeling scared about knowing where I might be living next month. 

Did you know one could rent a 2 bedroom apartment for over $6,000 a month. I did not before today. 

I have seen places where I make too much money to qualify to live (that should be a very good thing); and places where I do not make enough to be able to live. A place where I might be able to live, it might be safe, but can I handle cringing every time I drive into the parking lot because it reminds me of a military barracks - ahhh - insert mental struggle here.

I have kindly been offered a place to sleep by several friends. I think I would chose the last apartment first, but since I couldn't make myself go inside, well - insert mental confusion here. I so do not wish to disrupt someone else's life because I need to move.

So I started looking a short term rentals - never imagined I would only be looking a even less affordable places.

Wondering how do whole families do this, just ought not to be so hard for just me.

Tomorrow a few move places to visit. I checked out a storage facility costly as well. Perhaps living in a place that reminds me of a military barracks would just be another type of adventure.

“My mind turned by anxiety, or other cause, from its scrutiny of blank paper, is like a lost child–wandering the house, sitting on the bottom step to cry.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Writer's Diary 

I have, at least, everywhere reason to believe I shall be living somewhere.

I was about to post another song but somehow my mistyping brought up this rendition of the mantra I likely need now in a version I had not heard - Gayatri Mantra by Deva Primal