Perhaps I Will Try Harder

Accelerating in park
Need to shift to neutral
Sigh, what a waste of energy


With an astrologer for a father, I have probably consciously known that the birthdate for Jesus couldn't possibly have been December since I was 5 years old.

I pretty much have always thought it was rude to celebrate someone's birthday on a day not even close to when they were born. Just rude.

So today, I was behind a bus with a huge sign that said "Jesus is ____________.

Ok, so my first and enduring thought on what to put in the blank is probably smarter than me.

And if I were to look at realistically, Jesus would probably be a good deal more good humored about his birthday being celebrated in a different season and a different. Probably just let it roll off his back so to speak.

Ok, so what gives me to the right to be upset about it. I don't know. I might have to let that piece go. Might.

I still detest the fact that people presume we all celebrate Christmas. Isn't detest a strong word. Oh, yes, definitely. This just strikes a big emotional chord in my entire being. I am not sure how to stop.

In my mind, I sit my friend, sobbing at her kitchen table with a broken heart over kids being forced to participate in Christmas against their will. Yes, truly, they were just small children they were not given any option to be different or abstain without penalty. I remember not knowing how to help or what to say or how to explain it.

At young age, I remember one of my cousin-in-laws begging my grandmother (who was living on a pension) for money to feed her children after Christmas because they spent on all their food on stuff. Now  no money for food.

Suppose decades later, I should know that not everyone spends to excess. Yet, my mind sways right back to all the deaths that occur in accidents over the holidays, above the normal amount.

Is anyone of this a reason for me to be unkind. Not all. I just still have not learned to balance what I see and feel with my internal barometers. All I want is for it to be over. So how can support friends that love, enjoy, treasure and live for this time of year. I can't. Sadly, I still have a hard still supporting my own self. Not making me happy. The word bigot comes to mind. Nasty word, but probably true for me this time of year. I shift out of it for awhile, but 15 Merry Christmases later I feel raw and angry again. And Happy Holidays, not really better if you don't celebrate any holidays this time of year.  I can mentally appreciate that most people have the best of intentions for it all.
But emotional it is a mine field.

I have yet to find the maturity and balance that will allow me to just enjoy the fact others are enjoying themselves.

from quotations at about.com

George Bernard Shaw Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.

Sophocles
Much wisdom often goes with fewer words.