Now A Pretty Picutre

I was ever so happy as I made it out on the pier at Lake Stevens to find myself right next to this pretty little seaplanes. I might not have mentioned I love watching seaplanes.

Making me think of sitting outside the youth hostel, Whalers on the Point Guesthouse
Tofino, B.C.watching the seaplanes. A spot good for the soul right on the edge of
Vancouver Island's Clayoquot Sound.

 and time to repost a favorite unrelated quote this time the longer version:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.

mevlana jelaluddin rumi - 13th century

DNA - It Was Fun

Well, I stopped blogging before I got the DNA results fro 23 & Me. Got to tell you loved doing it.

Set aside. Today, I see I have a contact request, and yes I am going to blame Ammas, because it is something that made my heart so happy.

Here is part of the message from a gentleman that I said yes to:

I am Lithuanian(paternal and maternal lines) Through our shared DNA, 23andMe has identified us as relatives. Our predicted relationship is 5th Cousin, with a likely range of 3rd to Distant Cousin. Would you like to explore our relationship?

I see all of sudden there are two other messages. With all of my known family gone, it is very exciting to have contact with a real member of my blood family even if it leads no further than this.

And if that wasn't exciting enough, the next message is from someone living right here in Seattle saying my DNA is showing I am related to her aunt. Fascinating. Not a lot of knowledge on my side about my maternal family, but an opening.

Wow the third person has a family tree to share predicting we are 4th cousins. Fascinating.

An interesting turn of events indeed

LOL they all asked for information, and kindly asked if I was willing to share my genome profile. Ok, why not?

Jan, are you so laughing? I still might not believe everything is genetics.

Dang, since I last looked there are a whole lot of people with public matches (where they willing share their name & info) related to me by DNA. Well, not into sending them messages (if someone I know happens to be reading here sometime - I think I will hear the words Caution Mode).

Wow, I am going to update this again one of my DNA relatives is asking the whole group about motion sickness, a little of trying to trace it down to a specific DNA segment. I definitely have motion sickness.

Now seeing someone I might be able to trace ancestry with, one of the surnames listed is actually Brunell. Way cool.

Did I need a new thing to be excited about? Apparently.

I was so planning on started some singing lessons tonight. I really was.

And Would You Believe

Racquetball - here she is my fabulous new racket - so awesome. Got lost on the way to the park, you can say yeah right around here. Just happened to see a sporting goods sport nearby. Acquisitive mode engaged.

I had so much fun in there. I haven't a baseball bat in my hands for years. And, oh that catchers glove. Just awesome. Have I said I was all star baseball in junior high.

Then the basketballs - hey, the sales staff left me totally alone while I was playing with all the equipment. Even with the loud crash when I dropped the paddle for the kayak.

I managed to make it out of the store without the bat, glove, kayak (still thinking on that one), basketball (already regretted not getting it when the park had an open court just calling me  - but really I was most favorable as guard not forward).

And I managed to make it out without buying the beautiful $150 racquet, whew. Fortunately, beautiful as it was, didn't feel better in my hand. Whew. Now if I had only been able to get matching balls.

Well, if playing racquet in a tiny closet or on one's bedroom wall counts. I have played racquetball for the first time in about 30 years. Hey, Deanna, I did it, I did it.  I might add I love the sound of the racquet slicing through the air.

Don't look particularly athletic these days, but there is life in these bones, muscles, ligaments, tendons.
Why I even had a round of hopscotch at the park, all alone in my area.Whew.

Still With Ammas' Magic

I woke  up to the radio voice saying, just text: karma, that's k-a-r-m-a

Hmmm.

Still in the throes of Ammachi's visit, and the stories, memories that were knocked loose.
It was a seemingly odd year. I crossed paths with none of the people I normally do.
At lot more time for contemplation, burning the dross away.

I did have a few conversations with strangers. A woman who brought friends for their first time. We were remembering multiple Ammachi stories.

I often tell my favorite of having fallen sound asleep on the floor, apparently sleep through the end of the program. Only to wake up to Ammachi her very self, with entourage behind her, standing over me "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up" She chanted over me. That was a long time ago. In today's language OMG.

Caught between being sound, sound sleep; horribly embarrassed; amazed that Amma herself was inches from me. Then there was the fact she was literally waiting for me to get it, and stand up.
Well, Amma, I might be waking up now. But I am a dreamer after all.

I am having or dreamt this image of Amma Karunamayi gently tapping the karmic shell I have been
living in, with crack showing, sending a sweet angel to help open it wider. (I have been a hard one to crack as well.) Open just enough for Ammachi in her Kali mode to cook the contents. Esoteric language references I know.

Inquired of a co-workers beliefs, she replied agnostic. My immediate response, "That's a wisdom position." Someone else was very surprised at my response. My dad was an agnostic. I, certainly, have been one. How can you know what you do not know? Is blind faith better than inquiring mind.

Briefly, wondered what changed for me. At work, no time to wander down that path.

Now, tying it back to Ammachi. I left the program stirred. I headed for my park of the day before going home to sleep.

As the car stopped, standing to start my walk, and eagle swooped down. Wow, how beautiful. What a gift. I watched for awhile as the eagle soared overheard, never managed a picture.

Then, I remembered the spot I was standing on when I had a change of mind about "God". I was with Sun Bear at a native type gathering. We were in a circle outside in a clearing in a forest. Sunbear started prayers to the great spirit. I don't actually remember the word he used to designate the creator. What I remember was how still and quiet it was. Yet, when he called to the spirits of the wind, the wind came up.

How could he do that. The prayers continued. When he prayed to the Eagle Spirit, and we all watched an eagle come as a speck from far, far away. It was the last sign I would take, there was undoubtedly a larger force at work in this universe. I was standing in the southwest corner of the wheel.

There is such an intricate web to our existence.

In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for 'finding himself.' If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence. Thomas Merton 

Yes, I am responsible. Yet ever so grateful for help and mercy in all the ways it appears in my life.

Still in clearing and remembering mode. My CD collection was disappeared. Can't find one MP3 player, can't find the charger for the other one. So I am seemingly pushed right back to You Tube.

Thinking of old stories as I listen to One Republic's Apologize

and following it up with a more fun, cheery, yet meaningful as well, Anna Kendrick's Cups

“It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.”
― George Harrison

you came so gently
holding the door open
my heart softened

I understand now, my friend.

I even remembered a Judy Collins song that is befitting.

To All My Teachers (That Includes You My Friends) - Thank You

And with special thoughts of Amma Karunamayi & Ammachi, dare I ask more, no this is just what you have been doing

Second song I heard today so much for Ammachi in Kali mode

Ammas  interwined
round my soul
holding in the light










fire of consciousness
touches hardened caverns
melting then with love

why would we play
where there is danger
are we really always safe

Softly Slowly Amma Please

Time to re-post one of my very favorite quotes

“I feel the same way about solitude as some people feel about the blessing of the church. It's the light of grace for me. I never close my door behind me without the awareness that I am carrying out an act of mercy toward myself.” –Peter Høeg, Smilla's Sense of Snow ...

Been a long time sense I had been up 24 hours straight, life with Ammachi full blown. Heart opening absolute bone level joy to watching a heart wretching scene.

My first attempt at an Irish jig, or something like that. I don't remember having awesome Celtic music before.

Making it to one of my favorite parts of the program the end (and without falling asleep once), deliciously happy, tired, being showered in flower petals by Ammachi; silly tired trying to think clearly if the flower petals I caught were red purple tones or blue purple tones, since a lot were yellowish with colored edges after awhile twas too challenging for this child.

Memories drifting in. Wondering is Ammachi is having me do some kind of life review, or just the exhaustion releases the walls held in place by fear. Surely Ammachi would know if this is a red purple.
Hmmm.

Remembering a blessing & a curse. Do I really have to revisit so much to heal my soul. Heck I am not even sure why a soul would need to heal. However, persons do. Remembering things I wish I could shove back in, wondering how I could have forgotten in the first place.

Thinking of saying something to Jan a couple times, and her saying you never told me that before. Guessing, there is a lot I have never told before, guessing I may never.

Remembering the stupidity and bravery of my youth. Letting the woman I extracted out of a domestic
violence situation talk me into taking her back for her purse. So terribly stupid, so terribly stupid. I just didn't know how to say know with her heart ripped wide open. So stupid, the brave one, the volunteer, I'll get her. But we don't even know anything about the situation, her abuser, we think it maybe her husband.

I said I'll go. For godsake (hey maybe it was for Godsake - never thought about it), we know she needs help. I'll go. "But", but I am gone.

Turning the corner, the last thing she says, "maybe I should tell you my husband is a police officer,
and has a gun."

Tired, so good I actually have all the quotes I want to use right here. Posting them again is right for me.

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.”

And when my eyes last looked  at the woman above, she was still alive . . . I prefer to live the story that way.

Old Bilbo: My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. Well, I can honestly say I've told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it.

A Little Test - An Opportunity For Wisdom?

I had been pining tonight about working instead of being with Ammachi for Deva Bhava Ceremony. Only happens once a year.

Many years I have had a last minute miracle that allowed me to be there like a co-worker learning from someone I wanted off badly, giving up her plans for me. So very kind.

Or the year someone up there in the company hierarchy called to check on some minor thing. Trying to be nice, asked how I was. I blurted how I really wanted to be a this ceremony that was happened to me. And, she said. Well as remember your staffing is usually  very good on Memorial Day. Would you like to leave now, could you still make it. Again so kind. Such a miracle.

Not today, Ammachi, so what's up, why am I here instead of there. My heart is feeling more open to you than it ever, ever has in over 20 years.

I watched the clock, the pre-ceremony was going to begin only a few hours. People started commenting on being surprised that I was working. Well, me to. They don't understand where go or why. But those who have been here awhile know it is very important to me. So their sweet consolations, thanking me for working today when others called in sick (tempted but don't Ammachi would approve of me doing that either).

So next thing, people hearing want to know what I am missing that is so very important. Who is this Ammachi, and what does she do, what kind ceremony, questions, questions. And a lot of openness, a whole lot.

But now it really almost time. The Teaching Stories are starting. I so love the teachings stories, love them, love them. Want to be there.

Not here.

All of a sudden an external conflict in my pining someone is publicly announcing a mistake they believe I made. Oh, I know I did not do that. I was not on duty. I want to be a kind person, I want to be a non-reactive person. However, I do not mix well with the person. My fuse is lit.

Just as my ire starts to rise.

Two Instant Messages pop simultaneously.   Neither of these people are even in my building to hear me sigh.
One says "Please be kind to her." The other one, different person, "Remember she is responsible for her actions, you for yours."

Ammachi, am I teachable long distance. Maybe. Maybe.

Then an unexpected encounter in the public aisle with the person, and for a brief moment no conflict between us. As I received the sweetest smile.

Is that why I was here today, Amma, instead of with you. I know you were with me.

I didn't even mention that when I was agitated about being here earlier, I managed to dump an entire bottle of one of Amma's sacred oil all over me and my clothing.

I have confess that the ways of saints are still often a mystery to me.

Apparently, I don't seem to have enough spiritual practices, mind you, a week ago, I would have told you I have no daily spiritual practices. Well, not true there was TV. I do wonder how Ozzie, Harriet, Ricky & David are doing these days without me. Yes, I did enjoy reruns of the Nelson family from decades ago.

Now it seems dancing will be an addition to my morning, I even don't seeing that MORNING practices. So am I supposed to catching up with all the studying, meditating, praying, dancing (yes dancing).

Oh Amma, I did try to remember the T'ai Chi moves this morning. That has been wait too long. And I will Amma. Even if I have to ask someone else to help me. I could remember the names of the moves I loved.. Does that count Amma?

Well, back to I was dancing, when I all of a sudden realized that I can't do the move I had been doing for the last 5 minutes because of my knee injury. Well, apparently, I can. Hmmm.

heartsong coursing through
ignites resonance to the bones
a new dance begins

Maybe Maybe Not

opening in my soul
life  permeates the voids
the tapestry is reweaving

or

permutations of openess
threads of conscious
rewoven light


Jan was always smarter than me. So I that being said I am not back to posting things often. However, woke up to find I left the internet on by mistake.

Now that I have awakened bathed, done strength training (I know, didn't expect a new thing already either), mantras, studied prayer, meditated, written, eaten, I will post something

How do you when a coyote has been out foxed? (don't know who your animal totem/or guides are yet, another discussion for a quieter time)

 Would you believe someone single handedly (and you know you are) got me to change my email address to a functional service provider . . . well even she had to have help from Ammachi & Karunamayi

 . . . even though your emails didn't seem to work when you hit reply. . . hmm, sure it was nothing to do with it on my side. Will send out the new address by email, might be a few days. And, still keeping the old address for awhile . . . not giving up my easy click to the beautiful pictures of my Tofino connected provider that soothe my soul yet.












Sounds like time for me to take a vacation to Tofino. I might just go to work, and schedule off the time today . . . yes, my next vacation my possibly be a vacation instead of a retreat or workshop.

Sorry only read one email today so far.

I am in the process of healing my soul, tikkun ha-nefesh


Ammachi always stirs things up, this year she has some extra help. So a little story, I was remembering so dramatic events of my personal and professional life. When Someone who was the physical twin of the woman of a smaller albeit dramatic event in my home sat down in the chair next to me. This woman looked almost exactly like this friend did when I knew her 30 years ago. So I am not sure how I remember how or why this friend appeared to spend the night at my house, from out of town, without warning, just as I was getting ready for a first date with someone. Awkward. I took a deep breathe, she said she would be fine. Hell, I am going out, have a good time. Told myself it is really ok to leave someone in my house, really ok, ok, safe, ok . . . Came home to police cars in my driveway. . . swell way to end a first date, but what the hell is going on, I can't handle another thing in my home . . . their were the police going very suspicious through all my herbal teas, it is funny now, then they were so damn serious, young cops intent on making a bust not smart enough to recognize all the tons of herb teas . . . no drugs in my house, but lots, and lots, and lots of tea. . . my poor friend not sure either what went wrong . . . My next neighbor told me they called the police because it was "too damn loud", and we were really worried.

Thank you, Ammachi, for sending only the smallest representative of the past being, the past

 “People always talk about how hard it can be to remember things - where they left their keys, or the name of an acquaintance - but no one ever talks about how much effort we put into forgetting. I am exhausted from the effort to forget... There are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on living.” ― Stephen Carpenter, Killer

dust gently brushed aside
sacred gifts create awakening
i turn towards center


Sorry, Jan, read your blog saying I was back to writing. . . not really . . . still more on internal mode.

Will post a few words. Sitting down, Jan, haven't watched TV in a week, yes, mine still works.

New routine. . . awaken, bathe, study, pray, meditate, write, eat in the actual morning . .  . then park

An interesting difference to bathe in the morning, inviting God into my day, than just washing off the days activities at night.

Studying Kabbalah & Enneagram . . .

More some other time was up for Ammachi 6 am til 4 am . . .

One cute story. . . I bought a plant . . . as I was leaving I had two separate incidents with two separate men very sweet, kind men stopping to ask how she (my plant) was doing. . . such an interesting experience. . . nice banter. . . it reminded me of walking the dog for attention when I was younger. . .

Time for dreaming.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”
― Gilda Radner

When I finally remembered Kathleen was the kind person to jot this down for me from her movie watching (a thousand thank yous). . . ah, not the Hobbit, Lord of The Rings

The quote I am pondering, and better now that I have hold of it's correct order, one that touches me deeply.


“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.” 

And especially to you my dear friend in Victoria

“I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone.'
I should think so — in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit 

Are you chuckling?

or

“Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you. Not Today. Good morning! But please come to tea -any time you like! Why not tomorrow? Good bye!”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit  


I wanted to post my favorite Tolkien, wouldn't you know it I can be sure I remember all . . . but having finding these that I remember at all

oh my,

“That was the most awkward Wednesday he ever remembered.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit 

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Tikkun Ha-Nesh - Mending My Soul

Still in reclusive mode . . . still must be on the right path these were embeded on the trail I was enjoying

"Deep Play is estatic play. It involved the sacred and the holy. . . Sacred places catapult people into Deep Play." - Diane Ackerman

“Writing has nothing to do with meaning. It has to do with landsurveying and cartography, including the mapping of countries yet to come.”
― Gilles Deleuze

in play the mind is prepared to accept the unimagined and the incredible, to enter a world where different laws apply, to be relieved of all the weights that bear it down, to be free, kingly, unfettered and divine. - Hugo Rahner

I can only say I am engaged in sacred play. . .

May you have patience with me (will eventually read comments - bless you for making them) I carry you all with me in my heart on every journey . . . having a good time . . . be back when Mother calls me home . . .
  

Old Bilbo: My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. Well, I can honestly say I've told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it.

Oh, and Sandy if you are reading this I think might enjoy the book I am reading "Praying For Strangers" by River Jordan non-fiction 

 Heck, what's wrong with me, Mary, after last beautiful talk we had, very satisfyingly deep, thinking you might like to look at it for your church group if they don't already know about it .  . .

Love to you all . . .