Overwhelm

“But there was a special kind of gift that came with embracing the chaos, even if I cursed most of the way. I'm convinced that, when everything is wiped blank, it's life 's way of forcing you to become acquainted with and aware of who you are now, who you can become. What is the fulfillment of your soul?” - Jennifer DeLucy

Still processing information, arising thoughts from the Grief Recovery Workshop.

Funny how the visual pictures of death I can't shake are 3 of my dogs - wow - I didn't even get until I typed this now. Of course, those were they were the only ones I saw dead.

I opened my mouth to talk about Misty i could not say her name. Another beautiful soul, Chai kept appearing. Chai named long before I heard heard or saw the word. A shepherd mix pressed on me when I had no intention of having another dog. My Star, a collie mix dying still too fresh, and not a story I can tell here (Hmmm there was another woman in this workshop grieving for her dog, Star).

Take this dog or he goes to the Human Society. Yes, I took it as take him or he dies, this new little life.
Chai grew large rambunctious scared the hell out of my neighbors, escaped too often. I would run out to find him with his paws on someone's shoulder, looking them in eyes. Not biting, not attacking, but greeting, being curious. He disappeared never to be seen again. I wondered as the roommate I had at the time made multiple sarcastic threats about turning him into puppy stew . . . I regret not hearing enough in time. . . pretty sure she got rid of him . . . I so hope somehow, somewhere he got to live the rest of this life with good people.

My Misty was the hardest, she had a hard life before she came to me. A gorgeous, sensitive shepherd wolf mix (people stopped their cars more  to got out, and asked me to tell them about her). Picked up as a puppy by someone who came to live with me, she escaped being locked in a house that was purposefully set on fire by someone unwell, the same person had tried to run her down with a car.

Misty was left with me when her owner moved, along with Lady, a beautiful full-size collie (who died in her sleep pretty much after her owner left).

Misty was so skitterish that a back-fire from a car or a slammed door could find me with a huge dog on my lap. An even slightly raised voice or a suggestion to move just caused her to cling to me as tight as possible.

 It was a long road to a calm relationship. I am just now feeling teary, well am teary, as I think I might have missed how much she was there to teach me about gentleness. I did come to love her deeply. Almost lost her to flea anemia, she had go through blood transfusions, but managed to survive, and recover.

Then one year I was laid off from my job of 9 years, mom died, dad died, I sold the house I was living in.

Someone I hardly knew, except for meditation class, shared that she had big house, lots of room, she really hated living alone. She just wished she had a roommate, she didn't even need to charge rent, she had plenty of money, a vet with her own practice.

Well, people knowing my situation looked between her and me. Seemed like a perfect fit. I moved in with her.

 Misty had a problem with her leg while this vet was on vacation. She was misdiagnosed as a having a minor problem by the vet filling in.

 In the end, she actually had cancer, and had to have her leg amputated. It was a very hard round of finding  how many people don't think dogs have real feelings. "She won't mind her leg being cut off". Not that I believed them, but seemed so alive otherwise. Oh, did she ever mind oh God, she did. She, also, taught me a little about telepathy with animals. Definitely crying now. She died while we were living there.  My dog, Jenari Nikia,sweet black lab died something like two years later after we had moved, settled in a new place of our own, and my life stabilized again.

Sue Frederick mentioned more than once in the workshop the soul agreements we make to go through, line up events that will break our hearts open. Indeed.

Thank you to my blessed animal teachers, including Star, Misty, Chai, Lady, Jen - did my best