Oh, Mom - A Monolithic Post

reaching deep
touching seeming darkness
only to find more light

radio so apparently singing no one can hold me back, catch my breath, you helped me see the beauty in everything. . . how that you know that this is my life . . .letting it go . . . turning my cheek . .

I wrote this whole monolithic post before this song, yet it is the essence

How is it I wake up thinking of mother again. Ammas stiring, thoughts of a friends sacred journey, thoughts of a friends shared reconnecting to the core truth of her relationship to her mother. Or maybe the book Sue gave me that I am reading, and didn't even factor into reading, A Woman's Journey Towards God. Not a book I would have chosen. Something about the term Divine Feminine is hard for me. Surprised?  not surprised here.

I was the antagonist to the poor feminists trying to find their feminine strengths, roots, rights. Always the wild card. That is a new term for me just the last couple of months.The anti-men was too hard, way too hard. I was too hard for them "what about humanism, wait there is way more the human beings to consider here, well there is." But I was stepping on their ideas, needs and beliefs. But gosh, it was true that the woman renting a room from me was just as bad at remembering to take out the trash, as their husbands. I don't know. Bless them for strengthening their own souls, spirits, minds, hearts, Do I think gender inequalities don't exist. Nope. They do. Just couldn't see being angry with half the human race.
It just didn't make sense in my heart.

Every so sadly, the absolutely worst domestic violence case I dealt with was a Lesbian couple. Sorry, my personal experience shows cruelty is not kept within the bounds of one gender. Yes, there has been horrible abuse to women, yes. Any lost, damaged soul may to end of up snarled in this explicable behavior. Something in their DNA, their ancestry, their personal story. Hating back hard to understand.
Not that I haven't reached that point of anger.

Thinking of the child we tried to treat so was thrown in a dumpster by a parent. All he wanted with all his heart was to go back to that person. Ok, I didn't hate the parent, but I so hated the situation.

Or, the beautiful child whose only mode of communication seemed to be wanting to bite down to the bone on my gently offered hand. Odd, I don't seem to see that scar externally anymore. Oh, God, I do wonder how they are, how they survived.

Radio in the background - don't let it get to you, you can make it out alive  . . .  everything will be ok . ..
nothing lasts forever . . .

I wish I could know without a doubt they made it out alive. Did she make after killing her best friend, did ever forgive himself for raping the elderly woman. Easy for you to hate a rapist. Yes, for you to say yes to that. Try looking into the bared soul of another being without the label of a heinous action. I, for one, I am hooing he found a way to forgive himself. The depth of his pain and willingness to bare his soul gives a soul hope he found a little bit of peace.

Oh, and how does this relate to my mother. Oh, she hated my work. Why couldn't i just get married, have a normal job. It just makes no sense a difficult relationship all my life, just became more and more difficult. Ok, mom, I never admitted, but yes it was more often dangerous than I ever knew it would. I never told you how right you were about that part. How your line of "I can read you like a book, could bring be to the point of yelling at you." Ok, mom, it is late,  but you were right. it was dangerous, and it did leave marks. The thought is just dawning, maybe you knew, I would give it all I had, and with impetuous soul I would throw myself in harms way over and over.

I fluctuate from wanting to concede how right you were, and being angry that you didn;t understand. When my kid jumped the fence, escaped from the locked, Come on, you really thought I was just supposed to stand there with all those people and let him go. Really?  Really? Oh, mom I just couldn't.
True it wasn't my job to just the fence (wow, another miracle in and of itself, didn't even sprain my leg),
and go after him. Should I really have let it stop me that I had no clue what I would do when I caught him, being much bigger and stronger. All I knew he is that he ran because he didn't feel safe, And, well, no one else was doing anything. . . kind of a theme I am hearing on my memory lane journey. He were just letting him go. And he was so not okay to be lost in the world alone.

Hey, and with my sprinter genomes double copy, don't you just think it was instinctual.

Thank god, they all got off their butts, and at least got their by car in time to help me restrain him without having to hurt the poor frightened child. You bet i got him, I thought his life depended on it. Ok, maybe it didn't, but I sure thought it did. And it might have.

Besides, made me stop smoking, man I had a hard time breathing in an all out sprint through those orange groves. God bless genomes, and adrenaline. I rad think I told this story in a long time, and maybe never this much of it. And, I sure hope he is ok. I hope he made it back to finding is own heart.

Maybe if we were talking today, Mom, and maybe we are, I would say it was my karma, the path I had to walk. I know how much you wanted me to be a teacher. I heard it from the time I was old enough it understand what an astrology chart was. You and dad letting me know you knew the path I would be taking teacher. Oh mom, somewhere in there didn't dad tell I was a wild card.

I can't forget how it seemed to hurt you when it would bring up I didn't even show in your chart, And how you would throw back, you are your father's child. Such silly, silly fights.

radio - we aren't break we are just bent, and we can learn to love again

I remember the one and only time you spanked me, and how you cried so much harder than I did. Oh,mom, I did deserve it. I knew more than you. I forgave you for that pretty quickly. And, I still have a "smart" mouth. That has changed entirely, only been moderately refined. You were always so much more refined than I.

radio - I know you were trouble when you walked in

Oh, poor mom, so sweet and modest having to sit in the principal's office when I beat up the school bully. Well, come on. Come on, I was a really just supposed to let him pick on, and beat up the other kids. I thought the headlong tackle was brilliant on part given how much bogger it was than me. I still think you should have been damn proud of me for stopping him. You were just ever so embarassed. Well, I wasn't. Ok, maybe, there could have been a more peaceful way. I didn't see any teachers stepping in. I might have been to young and shy to try to get their help. I think I have discovered my theme why wait, if no one else is going help, just do it.

radio - my universe will never be the same, I am glad you came  . . . the stars come . . . all that counts is here and now. . . I am glad you came. . . the sun goes down the starss come out. . .

Having this thought of one of my teachers Marie smiling telling me she knows I am indeed talking to your mother. She is such a strong force for good and re-connections.

Such a handful, yes Mom, I was. And many days, I still am. More of my battles are on paper this day. I still believe in doing the right thing. Guess we all do, it is just our definition of right that separates us.

I am just so very sorry you had to die so alone. I just couldn't come anymore, I just couldn't listen anymore, I just couldn't shake the stories off enough that you wouldn't see the scars that you were  right about. Yes, mom, I still do carry them, yes I will likely never erase the picture of the woman hanging there, or the child all blue from the draino she got hold of (oh, she was such a talented artist).
And I do not know how people get so raw as to feel the need destroy there very own selves.

Yes, wow, new thought, I guess I decided to hide from you. I should have let your love be a guiding hand. Just to headstrong. Too much of a wild card. But somehow, didn't you really teach me standing up for the truth, standing up for others who couldn't help themselves, standing up for the fact that people, all people are people, differences are the richness in the world. I think you did. I think you taught me about beauty, diversity, tenderness, compassion, being a good person, hardwork.

I can remember Amma Karunamayi responded to my request one year to have her help working on compassion she made a comment I couldn't quite hear about me not needing to. I thought I misheard, then misunderstood, then that she was just being nice.

Then of Marie, looking at me in class, saying well, this is not normally something I say, but you need not to be so compassionate, I don't have her words exactly right as even with her about 18 inces away, I was sure I misheard. Then saying for compassion of a scale of 1 to 10 you are 12. Still not sure I get it or that it is true.

But, I figure if it is, it is because you taught me compassion. Wow, oh mom, I just remembered something I forgotten. You were the one that taught me to put the spiders outisde instead of killing them.

Jump ahead to the Dalai Lama story that started in my brain along with this. When someone asked something about if it was ok to kill insects, and the huge shifting, heavy silence that followed his answer about a life being a life, not being able to say that one was more important than another ant or human.

Just you knew more truth than I might ever give you credit. I am sorry, I was such handful, how I hurt your kind tender heart, that I let you die alone. I just didn't know any other way to be. Wait, that might be a lie, I just get stubborn, sometimes get more stuck and stubborn in being right. My heart is opening more, and my mind as well.

Ammachi/Karunamayi knocked a lot loose. Could be me just healing something healed long ago.

I just don't seem to have been born to go entirely with anyway flow. From sleeping in the presence of Ammachi, as I recall they politely ask people not to do that, to being non-Buddhist in the 10 day Kalachakra with the Dalai Lama. I do get pleasure in following my own heart. So when they asked all the people who weren't Buddhist to please leave before the formal teachings began, I just couldn't see the point. Still don't for me. I love the Dalai Lama. Being in his presence for 10 days such a blessing. You don't really think he minded do you.

And Mom, I know you would never have approved of me staying. But aren't you proud of me taking an initiation to strive for my own enlightenment so I can help all other sentient beings. Come on, don't you
think it was really ok that I stayed.

I think we may talk later. Time to dance.