Many Threads, Some Angst, Some Fun

worlds perceptions collide
ideas stir differences
we joust for THE truth

I have had a pebble in my mental shoe that I haven't been able to shake loose. Someone made a statement that I hadn't changed since the last time she saw me. This was said, to me, in a challenging way. And followed with, how?? And in response, a demur decision just to drop the discussion.

I have been torn ever since - have I not changed? How dare she? She is so wrong!!! What if she is right?

Why would I value someones opinion over my own. Yet, I keeping falling back into how could she not see . . .  what if what I am doing differently is not making a core difference. (And so what if it isn't?)

Still dealing a lot of physical pain, true. Managed to come down with a vigorous cold. . .  right after seeing the shaman, Lauren or right after her seeing into me in all to revealing ways. But heck, meditating everyday, there's a miracle in and of itself.

Out and about in spite of a higher level of pain. Even baked bread this year, more than once. . . .

I guess it comes down to not having made changes to the depth I wished to . . . feeling so fallible, human . . . still judging . . . self and others  . . .

Yes, I have made changes. Cooking for myself more than ever. My chard soup with a coconut, garlic, Brazil and pistachio nut base is very good. . . thinking how my old neurologist would have thrilled to hear I am drinking a protein shake every morning. I still remembering her telling me I want to hear that you ate lots of hamburgers because I know you aren't get the right amount of protein from the way you are doing your food combining.

And my collard millet casserole with sheep cheese - yep, also good. Collard leaves work really well in place of noodles.

That need for external validation. And I am still me - so how much do I want to change. Oh, yes I do indeed deliberate everything, like it or not . . . When I asked Jan for her thoughts on it, she told me kindly I always have.

I struggled last night with not going to see a teacher I like Robert Moss. I chose to stay home cook.

And in the end, I ended up feeling like painting, this time I actually did. I woke up to paintings  lying on the floor. So satisfying to paint I slept well. Outside of having no undo button, painting on paper was very fun. I decided to just let go for awhile. Eight abstract paintings. Nice not adjust and re-adjust
things, just flow.

Not masterpieces perhaps, two I love, the rest I am enjoying - each has it's own spirit,one I meditated with this morning and will stay as a meditation focus for now. All hold so much life. I think they shall hang on the walls for awhile so I can admire my work. .  .

And as I was meditating, the word that resounded through was ALLOW

So maybe I can allow there to be differences in perceptions (since there are), allow myself to flow, allow other space to be, allow others space to share, allow the divine interplay . . .

Wow - I was looking for the quote I jotted down while I was out yesterday instead what I found was some notes from a note that fit

"Your story and my story conflict if you don't tell your role in my story the way I want"

Ah, and here's the one I was looking for:

"There is always a certain peace in being what one is, in being that completely." - Ugo Betti